Snyder gives the example: Some people with ADHD hyperfocus on their partners at the start of a relationship. “That can feel very gratifying, having your ADHD lover shower you with all their creativity and attention,” he says. “Then later, when the ADHD partner’s attention shifts somewhere else, it can be like, ‘Hey, where’d you go? Don’t you love me anymore?’”
- Inattentive and distractibility
- Impulsive and hyperactive (this is the least common type of ADHD)
- Combined type with the two other main types (FYI this is the most common type of ADHD) So, while you might be diagnosed primarily with one type, you can have varying degrees of both. “ADHD is similar to autism because autism is on the spectrum,” says Sarfo. “So, with ADHD, I like to describe it as being on the spectrum. Some people may be more inattentive, some people may be more hyperactive. But most of the time, I see that even if somebody is diagnosed with that intensive type, there may be times that person may be more hyperactive.” And for folks like Potter who tend to zone out during sex, it can be super embarrassing if your partner catches you in the act. You might be thinking about everything on your to-do list, or something that happened earlier that day, or well, let’s face it, you might be fantasizing about someone else (we’ve all been there, neurodivergent or not). “It can be difficult to do things in moderation, and it’s difficult to shift from one task to the next,” says Sarfo. “But if you’re hyperfixated on sex and your partner doesn’t want it, sometimes you may feel unfulfilled and vice versa. And if your partner doesn’t understand ADHD, then [what seems like an excuse] might seem like you’re losing interest, and that can begin an entirely different argument and frustrate you.” Hayes also admits that she could only enjoy sex while under the influence of substances, which added a layer of spice and novelty to the sexual encounter that she very sorely needed to stay interested in someone. Think of it as a perpetual negative feedback loop that works like so: You have trouble regulating your emotions, which plays into RSD. To make things worse, you have a hard time communicating, which is super isolating. It’s super hard to explain to folks that, well, chemically, your brain develops a bit slower. “So, as late bloomers who find their stride later in life, they don’t always feel accepted within a community,” he says. “In turn, it can be difficult to feel good about yourself. So, the failures might feel that much heavier.” How does that play into the bedroom? Sarfo offers the following example: If somebody comments negatively on your sexual performance, it might make you believe that you’re worthless, or that maybe you’re not interested in that person, or maybe you just weren’t able to perform because you heard a trash truck outside, which you couldn’t tune out. “If you perceive getting rejected, then you might take it to heart,” says Sarfo. “So, if somebody comments on your sexual performance, then you might really think that you’re worthless.” In turn, Richardson found that he had self-sacrificial tendencies to be in a relationship because he feared rejection or being at fault for doing something wrong. This included taking on his partners’ problems as his own, and being hyper focused on solving them — to his own great detriment. In turn, devoting so much time and energy in what felt like an act of self-sacrifice in one particular relationship led to Richardson feeling severely taken advantage of. Or, incorporate kink in the bedroom. “Some find they focus better if they push their erotic boundaries,” says Snyder. For example, maybe your mind tends to wander, and being spanked during sex helps you concentrate and get back into the moment. You can try role play, incorporate toys and costumes, or consider a power play where the roles of dominance and submission are reversed. For example: If sensory overload is a common culprit that blocks you from focusing and having peak enjoyment during sex, being aware of it is the first step. Talk about any and all struggles with your partner. Then, find ways to prevent it from getting in the way in the bedroom. Make sure your love-making space is uncluttered, free of distracting aromas, smells, or sounds. And to better self-regulate your emotions, communicate with your partner when you’re feeling frustrated, suggests Sarfo. “Don’t be afraid to ask for space,” he says. “That way, you can speak from a place of calm and compassion rather than anger.” Don’t forget to give yourself permission to take breaks as needed. “It’s important to honor your emotions and allow yourself to go through what you’re feeling, but it can be hard when we’re going about our day and just going through the motions,” says Sarfo. “To self-regulate your emotions, take breaks throughout the day to gather yourself when you feel emotions like anger and irritability.” But to keep your relationship going strong, it’s key to recognize that these behaviors are driven more by neurology than by psychology, explains Snyder. “Your average person with ADHD can, by supreme effort, keep their socks off the floor for a week,” he says. “But expecting them to do it flawlessly on a regular basis is like making a dyslexic read aloud without mistakes. Their brain just doesn’t work that way.” Snyder also points out that most non-ADHD partners don’t fully appreciate what it’s truly like to live inside an ADHD person’s head. In turn, folks living with ADHD have often been the target of others’ frustration their entire lives. “It’s important to have a partner who understands, because ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse,” adds Sarfo. “If your partner is on the same team with you, you can’t blame somebody for thinking that this person will check out during sex, or they’re not putting enough effort into a relationship.” “ADHD is like an affliction, but it’s also your superpower,” says Richardson. “You have the ability to hone in or get in the zone and be creative around solutions. You might thrive under pressure or when you’re in the spotlight. And you thrive when it matters the most, and people can rely on you to get it right.” “If you’re in a relationship, and explain to your partner that you have ADHD, and point out your weaknesses and also some of your strengths, you’ll have the opportunity to demonstrate some of these strengths,” adds Sarfo. “In these moments of chaos, you can be brilliant and work through things. And with ADHD, if you enjoy doing something, you’ll do it better than anybody else in the world.” • Kaleidoscope Society: Kaleidoscope Society is an online community for and by women with ADHD. • CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder): CHADD is a national nonprofit that helps people affected by ADHD.
